Lately I’ve been wondering why my life is in such a stasis. I graduated from college a few months ago and I haven’t been able to find a paying internship or permanent full-time job. It’s been getting pretty frustrating for me because I’m dependent upon my parents’ help since my only source of income is freelance work, which has been irregular. I absolutely hate being dependent. I am eager when it comes to starting my own life and getting on my feet. I hate using my parents money not because I don’t value their support, but because I know how much they have to sacrifice so that I can have money for gas, cell phone, etc. I’m freelance writing and working at a volunteer internship, but I can’t help but feel that I’m just another underemployment statistic.
Basically, I’m just plain feeling sorry for myself because of my situation, and I said several times, “God, why aren’t you giving me the opportunities I need? Why are you holding me back when I’m ready to move forward and take on responsibilities?” I was so desperate to get a full-time job that I had prepared for. I kept thinking, I didn’t work my ass off at college and work at several volunteer internships to take a part-time retail job and make $8 an hour, I wanted to make real money that I could support myself with and I wasn’t willing to consider anything except for a job that was “worthy” of me, or that I could be proud of.
As usual, God readily provided his response.
Today in a sermon my pastor reviewed the instance with Christ and Peter, and how Christ had to show his followers via the miracle of the fish that they can depend only on him for their needs in life. When following Christ, the disciples went from their jobs as fishers, farmer and laborers, to daily dependence on God’s provision for their meals. My pastor made these five points on following God:
1) In the Christian life, it’s all or nothing. You’re either following Him completely and wholeheartedly, or you’re not following Him at all.
2) Obedience to His plan is a mental attitude as well as a literal action. You can’t be obedient begrudgingly.
3) The promises of His word and the mental attitude of patient faith must proceed the action of obedience. In other words, even if you’re obedient, it won’t work to your advantage if you have a crappy and negative viewpoint.
4) Don’t be obedient for the wrong reasons, such as self-service or self aggrandizing.
5) Never doubt His provisions in your life.
I think that I was so interested in putting myself in a position that I thought I was ready for or that I deserved, whether for the black hole in my wallet or some form of self-gratification, that I was paying no attention to what might glorify Him. Maybe the way to glorify Him is to take a position that is “beneath” my qualifications and to continue to focus on His word, or maybe He just wanted to remind me that I’m not completely in control here.
Perhaps He wants me to see that no matter where I am in life or how much money I’m making, I will always be provided for. His grace is always present and active in my life, no matter what kind of job I have, or even if I don’t have one. Overall, I have to put faith in Him before I put faith in myself, and I have to never fear the circumstances I am in, no matter how difficult or frustrating they are. HE is the reason for my motivation, and HIS glory is what I should see in every opportunity I get, or don’t get, whatever the case may be.
In this case, I have to take a leaf from Peter’s book and say, “Yes God, I was afraid, but I won’t be. I trust you and I will follow you, wherever you lead.”